Silent Hill *

After the failure of last year's Doom, you would think that Hollywood might have learned that video games and movies just do not mix. Sadly, that isn't the case and I was forced to sit through the atrocity that is Silent Hill. The basic plot, if you could even call it a plot, concerns Rose Da Silva (Radha Mitchell), a mother who decides to take her daughter (Jodelle Ferland) to a faith healer after learning that she has contracted a fatal disease. However, on the way there, they cross through a portal and find themselves in the haunted, deserted town of Silent Hill, where her daughter goes missing. Rose is then left to search for her daughter and dodge countless horrific creatures and demons with the help of a tough policewoman called Cybil (Laurie Holden). Believe it or not, this is actually worse than Doom. There is no coherent plot, and it is virtually impossible to understand. It tries to be both an action film and a supernatural thriller, and that combination obviously doesn't work. Silent Hill is an unintelligible, mind-numbingly stupid mess of a film and should never have been made. Some might say I would have enjoyed it more if I had played the game. Highly doubtful.

Scary Movie 4 *½

Scary Movie 4
Directed by David Zucker. Starring Anna Faris, Regina Hall, Craig Bierko, Anthony Anderson, and Leslie Nielsen. Rated PG-13.

I suppose it was inevitable. After the surprising success of the weak Scary Movie 3, the folks over at Dimension Films commissioned yet another installment in the popular comedy franchise with a whole new batch of shameless spoofs to go along with it. This time around, dimwitted Cindy Campbell (Anna Farris, in a role that will eventually put her career to death) has to ward off a ghost boy that is haunting her and a group of alien Tr-iPods that want to destroy the world. Going along with her are crazy, and seemingly immortal, Brenda Meeks (Regina Hall) and clueless Tom Ryan (Craig Bierko). I really wish the Wayans Brothers would return to the series because this is probably the weakest and least amusing entry in the series yet. Not that it was fantastic when they were involved, but at least it was funny. Only two scenes in Scary Movie 4 really made me laugh, one being the Saw spoof featuring Dr. Phil and Shaq, and the other being the great parody of Tom Cruise's stunt on Oprah. I don't recommend this to anyone except die-hard fans of the series. Before they decide to greenlight Scary Movie 5, Dimension needs to either bring back the Wayans Brothers or at least make it R-rated!

Bozo the Clown

Bozo the Clown
A Tribute

"I mean, Bozo the Clown...does he really need "the clown" in his title, as clown? Bozo, "the" clown? Are we going to confuse him with Bozo the district attorney? Bozo the pope? There's no other Bozo." -- Jerry Seinfeld


Bozo the Clown came to my birthday party
I invited him in to have a little drink
But he couldn't hold his liquor
And he started feeling dizzy
And he vomited in my sink!

Bozo the Clown came to my shopping center
He came in to buy a half a dozen pears
But he didn't have the money
And I gave them to him free
He started hurling them at my chairs!

Bozo the Clown came to my brother's house
He came in because he had to take a crap
But he couldn't find the toilet
So he had to drop his pants
And take a crap into his cap!

Bozo the Clown hit me with a dirty shovel
Twenty times and then I was dead
He came to my funeral
Threw his crap at me
And put a hemorrhage in my head!

Bozo the Clown was arrested for my murder
The cops made sure that he would die
They shot him up with poison
But it didn't do the trick
So they hung him up with a tie!

Bozo the Clown…rest in peace…
We'll save a pie for you…
And your dirty shovel too!

Mewes: Three Years Clean

Jason Mewes, as everyone knows, has the recurring role of Jay in almost all of Kevin Smith's films. But what many people don't know is that for nearly ten years he was dangerously addicted to drugs and alcohol, almost to the point of death. As of today, Mewes has been clean and sober for three years straight. I'm really glad for the guy, and I'm glad he'll be around for future View Askew productions (like Clerks II). To celebrate the event, Kevin Smith is re-telling the engrossing and sad tale of Mewes' addiction and eventual recovery, "Me and My Shadow," over at his blog, Silent Bob Speaks. I highly recommend everyone read this, as it gives us a look at the harsh realities of drug addiction and a better look at the hero of the story himself.

Clerks II Internet Trailer

The Clerks II online trailer will return soon. For the meantime, it can be found here.